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... but the vestigial(shallow), regurgitated(overused) words that vaguely carry the open ended assumptions of a yearning heart; in hopes that it reads and hears what it has wished you'd offer of your own emotional want to display, even the most, minimal affections.





And yet, I continue to love you.



In an ocean of journals and messages from other men saying that they "love you" and "want you" and that you are "loyal to them" and you are their "better half". I know this hardly gleams into vision. But it's still felt.



I'm sorry I expect you to treat me differently from the rest. I'm not worth your heart's effort. Because somehow, I've only treated you Just like everyone else.

I am worth something. I know I am.



But... what?

COMMENTS

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Slain
07:34 Nov 20 2012

Anonymous comment: "wow...you need self reflection"

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Slain
07:38 Nov 20 2012

Yea...... That may be all that I need after all.

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queenofchaos
08:10 Nov 20 2012

“It is necessary ... for a man to go away by himself ... to sit on a rock ... and ask, 'Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?”

― Carl Sandburg

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queenofchaos
08:12 Nov 20 2012

“Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

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Slain
13:42 Nov 25 2012

"Be thankful for what I offer you as a partner, for I could offer much less." ???

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POST COMMENT

https://www.vampirerave.com/journal/journal_section.php?section=personal&journal=Slain&page=April%202012



Something that apparently only I remember...



Yea... I miss the night she actually made me feel like I was wanted.



Now I have to sit back and hope she's not angry to actually want to call me.



People sacrifice some silly things when they are angry... almost as if they say "This matters to me, as long as I'm not angry."



Sighs...

You know... what I find interesting?



Is going through my girl's journal and seeing only one thing that remotely mentions her being with someone and enjoying them.



But it's riddled with how I make my her miss her ex and how she's had an amazing conversation with that person. Triggered at random by an anon.

She is someone who's time is very much demanded for, so such a whimsical decision to reach out and contact someone, I should leave unnoticed, especially, when I get similar treatment. (---this parts gonna be GREAT)



It also has how much of a fool and a difficult person I am. Quite a few times actually. (granted she doesn't delete them after my mentioning them here.)



But that would be me searching for my girl to 'proffess her love to me publicly " Like I seem to have a bad habit of doing.



This is interesting because...



here... lies the exception to "Actions speak louder than words."



::sighs and whispers with a hint of hope:: ...right?

The things she says, the things she's written to me and the things she's done, bring a great smile to my face; As they all give me the feeling she's thought about me, every so often throughout the day.

Good thing it was only waiting for ten minutes. Twenty hours ago.



Having so much to do and so many people to talk can certainly be a great fall back. Especially if the person doesn't even run across the mind.

I'm going, the fuck, to sleep. If you somehow manage to find your way here, feel free to attempt any mode made available to actually contact me. Can't guarantee I'll answer, but somehow, I don't think that affects or matters enough to affect.



I'm out of here.